Me

I guess I am all over the place with this blog and maybe I should just narrow it down to one thing, something popular to read? I don't know. I really only started this to capture my thoughts and write.

I was taking a look at my facebook wall and saw that James Patterson had posted a contest. A writing contest. I have put it off and thought how no one would read  a short story from me, or I am just not good enough, but I caught myself today and said... out loud too... no one will ever know if I am good enough, to include myself, if I never try. So, I am going to go over to the website and read over the terms and sit down for once and start using my imagination!

I don't know how many books I started to write and then gave up. I don't know how many times I picked up my camera and because it wasn't the camera I wanted or the camera that I believed would only increase my potential, I just gave up. It's not about the tools, it's not all about the belief, it's about the person. Do you just talk yourself out of things that you know you could do, but because you just don't have enough faith in yourself and your ability, you just give up?

I am making myself a promise today. I won't give up... I will give my life over to the All Mighty and I will follow his lead. Sometimes you just need to rest, you need to recuperate, you need to unplug from the world you're in and you just need him to carry you. That's what the old poem was about right... footprints... while you struggle and you stress and you just feel like you can't go on, then you see only one set of footprints, that's not you walking alone, but it is that he's carrying you over the sand and he holds you high so that you don't have to go at life alone or manage the stress alone. I am going to pray for my forks in the road. I am going to ask for his help and his guidance. I am going to ask for him to carry me for a while, because I have pushed him out thinking I could do it all by myself and I am seeing that I cannot.

Being young... being naive, not understanding why things happen, growing up.

Being the child of a military man wasn't easy for me. Moving all of the time making friends in new places, making more enemies than friends. Certain things in my life created me, the strong me, the scared me, the weak me. I keep my secrets bottled up, I don't talk about them and I keep them safely secured so that no one will ever know and then they can't judge me. Finding out that when you're only a child bad things happened, so bad that your parents don't want to tell you about it, so to this day you still don't know. Being a teenager and bad things follow you, but do they follow you because you asked for it, because you let them happen? Becoming an adult and you marry, and you feel safe, but then again bad things happen to you and now you don't know what SAFE really is? Divorced and with kids and you want to be young again and be free again, but you love your kids and you want to protect them, but you struggle between the free and the tied down and somewhere you do what you can to have both and to live both ways and you make mistakes and you pay the consequences for those mistakes. You struggle with money, but there's always a roof over your head and there's always food on the table and there's always a job and daycare is paid, but there's not always a phone and not always electricity, but there's always a way to pay for the babysitter so you can have a night out with friends. Then something happens and someone comes into your life and for some reason you GROW UP and you don't need to drink, you don't need to party and you don't need to WORRY any more. You marry again.

I was told by my ex mother in law that she wouldn't read my palm because she was afraid of what she saw. She shared her fear with my then sister in law, who then shared it with me. My ex mother in law was afraid because I had a spilt life line and that could only mean one thing. I would live two different lives. Who knew whether I would die and be reborn, which some believe can be true, I don't know what I believed back then. But after my divorce from her son, and my second marriage, I started to think this was what she meant. Then a little more than a year after marrying my second husband I found out the true meaning to her fears. My life took a whole new direction. I no longer had ties to her family. I no longer had a reason to call my ex husband every month or for him to send a check to me any time his new wife felt like it. My girls who were the reason for that old life, now created my new life, and they were gone. It took every inch of me, it took every ounce of me, and I gathered it all up and once again I tried to carry it all on my own. I feared him, I hated him and I loathed anyone who tried to tell me that he was my savior in a time that I truly needed him. He was GOD.

As any parent who has lost a child asks... how? why? why me? what did I do wrong? not how can I go on, but how can I NOT go on?

He wasn't an enemy of mine. He wasn't anything to me any more. But he never left my side. When I wanted to hear my girls voices he managed to send me a tape of them laughing. Just out of the blue I get a video tape from a young girl and her family who used to watch the girls for us. The video was of the girls laughing at their house, playing with their kids and the young girl who babysat for us was behind the camera catching it all. When I missed the girls and wanted to be with them, he brought me their scent. It wasn't the smell you would think of when you're holding your children or child. It wasn't the baby powder that you used on their skin or the lotion you smothered on them so they wouldn't be dry and scaly. It was the smoke I had last smelled on their bodies after the firemen laid them in the grass in the yard. It was the charred smell I had stuck in my nose for weeks after we had them cremated. It was the burning embers of the house while I was trying to get to my girls in the upstairs bedroom and the flames I inhaled while sitting in front of the school next door watching my life as I knew it end before my eyes. The first time he brought them to me I panicked and ran around my entire house trying to find the fire and extinguish it. I cried when the smell was gone and I had realized it wasn't real and it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. My girls had been there and now they were gone and I spent all that time fearing the worst when I should have been cherishing every last minute they had to give.

I'm not angry any more, I have my faith and it is strong and I do pray and I do thank him every day for the gifts in my life and instead of praying to my girls asking them to give him a message, I now pray to him and ask that he give them a message from me. I lived, I continue to love, and I now have two new gifts that the girls played every part in making come true. I don't get my visits any more, but I look in my boys eyes and I can see their sisters hearts and I know that even with my new life they are still every part of me. My boys will never really know their sisters, but they know that they have them and that they are loved just like they are still around. The boys know their names and they've seen the pictures and they know my heart aches for them now and again. My boys are an addition to my life and make my new life worth living and they remind me that there is an "ever after" and it's only going to be as happy as I make it for everyone. I give my life to him as a dedication to my girls and the thought that I will one day see them again. They are waiting on the other side for me. For me and their brothers and their daddy Jason they make a place for us.

I give my life to GOD, direct me, shape me, and allow me to represent him. I am in service to him and he has my alliance with him. My every day is possible through him.

I will be what he needs me to be and I will go where he leads me and for now, he leads me to you. My friends who need him, my family who grieve and want to understand him, may you all find in him what I have found, my salvation is him.

For those of you who know not of the insanity of life, I pray that you never have to go through what I did to get here, but that you find the divinity of life by getting to know the power that holds you up when you just want to lie down. Don't give up, don't put it aside, take charge and hold on for the ride.

Much love and sacrifice.
Me

January 2013

We made it. It's now 2013 and the belief of the end of all time has passed. If you really understood the Mayans they were predicting the end of the world as we knew it and the beginning of a new one. I want to interpret that the way I see it...

May it be great, good or bad, we have to live in it. So, let's be positive and look for a great existence and do what we can as humans and strive for the best and teach each other to be our best.

A young woman told me the other day that I should really keep up with my blog, that I should share more about my experiences and let the world know how I heal and then maybe someone who needs the help can learn from me. So, here goes....

I met a young woman and she reminds me soo much of me. She has had a hard life and as hard as it is she's still trying to figure things out.  I didn't do drugs or have parents who didn't care where I was at all hours. If anything I felt my parents were too much into my business and that they were intrusive. I was always mad and trying to "get away". Looking for a way to piss them off any way I could. Rebellion... the word most youngsters should really understand. So this young woman, she fills my head with all her life stories and I think to myself, she has to  be joking. Because of her confidence in me I won't reveal her secrets. They are between us. Then I looked back on my life and I came to realize that I had someone in my life to help direct me. To give me advice about being a single mother. Someone who took  me under her wing and helped me to understand that I can be angry, and I can be tired and I can still be a mother to my girls. Then my girls died. I was alone again. Or so I thought. I had found a new friend. She helped me understand my pain. She walked with me when I needed someone to lean on. Someone to cry with and I needed her in my life. These two women, although older than I was, touched me and taught me. They gave me direction and gave me hope. We learned together our own little problems and shared in each other's pain.

My first friend in Colorado.. I was so young. I had two baby girls and I still wanted to party and be young and forget that I had responsibilities. I didn't want to forget my girls, I just didn't want to have to play mom 100 percent of the time. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted a mans touch. I found it. Everywhere other than where I needed to be. I learned from my friend that my life could be much different than it was. She taught me that the love I was looking for could only be found in my girls. She taught me that they should come first and that everything else would fall into place. She taught me that I could still have fun with out going out to party all night. When I did as she said I learned that I could still be an adult and still have fun and still have my girls and take care of them. She taught me to laugh at my problems and gain the strength I needed to battle my issues and win. She was my Terminator and I was her pupil. Then I remarried and he took me away from our little town and showed me more adventures that lie ahead. Little did I know that I would be leaving my life behind when I followed him.

A little more than a year went by and we had our struggles. My girls had a father who took care of them. They learned to trust him and he learned to understand them. Then one tragic night we lost them. My life turned upside down and inside out. I had convinced myself that I could not let my girls see me crawl in a hole and never come out. Although that is exactly how I felt. I didn't have friends. I had just moved to the last home my girls knew. We had just moved into our rental home not 1 month before and now they are gone. What had I done? Why was I being punished? What did I say that caused my baby girls to no longer be mine?

In comes my friend in Effingham, IL. I had just started back to work after losing my girls and everyone had come to their funeral. The chatting had died down and the whispers decreased. Then there was this woman, crying in the bathroom. I had hardly known who she was. She worked in a different department but sat right on the other side of my cubical. I knew her name. It was hard to forget. People would call me looking for her and vice versa. I knocked on that bathroom door and asked if there was anything I could do to help. Little did I know that she would be the next chapter in my life to teach me something new. I took from our friendship a new love. GOD. Where I was so ready to throw in the towel and hate him forever. Give up on my faith. She taught me to hold on, even tighter now, to my faith. She helped me to see him in a new light. She gave me a new shoulder to lean on. We sat in movies and I ended up in her lap more than I can count! Those scary movies she loved to see. Then again Jason had to go where the Army needed him. Actually, I made us move. I told Jason that either he asked for the Compassionate Reassignment to his home state of North Carolina so that his parents could help him, or we would be no more. So, we moved.

I have had many more friends in every state I have been in and in the many, many years that I have lived. Those friends have all taught me lessons and I have learned so much and they have carved a part of themselves into my life. I Thank GOD for all of them. For I have become the woman I am with their help and their love. So I tell you this story, because thinking back made me realize that I have come full circle. It is now my turn to help a young woman who  needs my life lessons to support her on her journey.

It's my turn to give the faith and the strength and the love that my friends have given me. I don't have to be a Godmother, I don't want to be a saint, I only want her to follow the life path that is set in front of her and to not have to relive tragedy but to understand faith and success. I want her to understand that we create our own destiny. We have to strive for the best in our lives. We surround ourselves with people we want in our future to shape our lives the way we envision it. This young woman needs the direction and the encouragement that my friends so lovingly gave me in my time of need. The right thing for me to do is pass on their generosity.

She fears I will leave again, and I will. But as I have done in my past I will continue to keep in touch and do my best to be her friend. She will see as I did that she won't need me as much as she thinks she does now, because she will take what she's learned from me and she will one day pass it on to someone who will need her too.

So now I take this opportunity to tell my two very best friends that I love them and I haven't said it, but THANK YOU. For everything you have done for me and continue to do for me. Blessed are they that love unconditionally.

Dear Mr. President... Army Recruiting Families need help.

Dear Mr. President.

I am an Army Spouse. I have given my life to our Country by supporting my Active Duty Army Soldier. I keep the home, I take care of the kids, I am the one who stabilizes our family when nothing else seems to be stable at all.  I am the one who knows the ins and outs at home, while my Soldier goes to work for you and our Country. Often times you may even see me in the work place, bringing a basket of smiles to my Soldier and other Soldiers. You may find me chatting with their Spouses and offering encouragement and support to them and their families. That’s what I do.

Now that I have explained my role I also have to explain to you that all too often we live paycheck to paycheck and need a little extra income so I may have to go to work myself.  There in lies the problem. Every time we move I have to pick up, leave and then start all over again. Many civilian employers frown at my resume. I may not have been able to hold a job more than one year, maybe it’s two or three years, but longevity is my downfall. When I interview and I am asked, how long will you be staying this time? I have to look them in the eye and tell them, “When Uncle Sam calls, we go” there’s no definite in that. Yes, there are programs now in the last 5 years or so that have given Spouses of the Military a little more hope, my problem is not that those programs exist, it’s that those programs aren’t working! If it’s broke fix it, however, if it’s truly not broke we fix it anyway and don’t worry about the ones that do need serious attention.

“Program S” which was put in place to help Military Spouses gain competitive appointments with government positions is vague to say the least.  Yes, there is a list of requirements for the spouse, however, does the spouse have to go somewhere online or on a facility to “register” for priority? Overseas Spouses have no issue of the program because it works overseas where the jobs are abundant and more often encourage spouse employment. How about those who are stationed remotely? What about those Spouses who are not near a Military Installation and cannot access Army Community Services? There are government positions available in Recruiting which are harder to gain for a spouse because of the educational requirements, or because Spouse Preference doesn’t pertain to them. How do you put a program together and not maintain it for the entire community and legitimize it only for a few?

I give my life every day for the Army, I may not go into battle, I may not stand at formation or wear rank on my chest, but I do Support the Army the best way I know how… to support, love and care for my Soldier so that he is effective when on the line or at his post. That’s my duty, that’s what I do, I am an Army Spouse.

My suggestion to you, take a look at the programs set in place or even being considered and then take a Military Spouse and appoint them as your Consultant. No one is better at the job than one who makes that sacrifice.  Allow them the freedom to tell you honestly what is working and what needs TLC, then allow them to assist in creating a more effective program, one that will work for all not some. The World’s greatest Military is falling apart because there are so many more Soldiers and Sailors who are divorcing, going bankrupt, and committing suicide than there should be. If we had stronger family support programs and not just recreational programs and call it family support, then maybe our Military could still be strong even with dwindled numbers. Maybe those who are entering into the Military now, would want to make the Military their career instead of just a service commitment.

I invite your wife and yourself to come visit any Army Recruiting Battalion and it’s families. I ask that you take a look at our systems and see they are far from successful and offer us resources to make family life in Recruiting better. Give us suggestions on how to strengthen our support channels.  Visualize an Army family in the middle of America with no Army Family living next door or two houses down, and find that our Commanders are focused on their obligations and their mission to ever worry about a failing Family Support program. Find a Soldier’s Spouse struggling to find a job or stick to a career because licensing in one state is different from another and education requirements are different just the same.  You’ll find women and men who have spent a fortune in job training or higher learning that they often are unemployed after a Permanent Change of Station because their license or certification in the last state doesn’t have the same klout in their new place of residence. You’ll also notice that “Joining Forces” doesn’t find it’s way to Recruiting Families as it does for those at Military Installations. We’re a support group torn apart and many of us Spouses are searching for friends who know what we’re going through, someone to share some time with, but instead we’re alone and more often so spread apart from one another that even if we met at our one time a year training and awards banquet, that acquaintance would fall apart because we would never be able to see each other for the distance between us would be too hard to overcome. See as I do a Soldier’s family wishing to go back to a line unit or whatever and wherever the Soldier’s MOS would take them, as long as it is far away from Recruiting.

Take a closer look at housing in Recruiting. Let’s not get me started with the lack of programs available for holding civilians accountable for leasing uninhabitable homes to our Soldiers and their families. NO protection for the Soldier who has to rent a home sight unseen because housing is limited in the rural areas we have to recruit in. NO home inspections available to Military Families who have to rent in a civilian community and now with Privatized Housing on military installations, we have to give our entire BAH to a company for substandard housing that should have been condemned but instead our government allows for repairs to keep them going.  Why is it that surveys are completed by those Soldiers and Sailors who have no need for civilian or privatized housing because they live in the barracks? Why is it our BAH often only allows for substandard housing in civilian areas? Why must it be that we have to incorporate utilities, phone, cable and oil or gas, with rent in order to survive on our base pay? Utilities, Phone, Cable and Oil or Gas… Are you aware that none of these have a Military Rate or Discount? Are you aware that the Military Housing Program or Government Leased Housing Program is suffering and far from successful? There are very few Landlords that will pay for extra utilities and combine them in the rent advertised. Especially in our current economy it’s hard enough to lease a home to someone who can pay for rent. Soldiers and Sailors fortunately enough have a housing allowance, but our basic housing allowance amounts need to be looked at all over the US and adjusted to fit civilian advertised lease amounts. These adjusted amounts can’t be regional or by state but yet more by county. We have Recruiting Soldiers living in remote areas that their housing allowance doesn’t cover the advertised lease amounts and so these Soldiers and their families have to spend more out of their base pay to afford a home that is not substandard. Are you aware that many Soldiers purchase a home, when loans can be obtained, because they have no other opportunity for leasing a home that is above substandard or they live in a community where leased homes are taken as soon as they are posted? When these Soldiers have to relocate, selling their home is more a hassle that many have to lease their homes and take less than their mortgage in order to get the home rented. Many who lease their homes find that it is more a hardship because of the maintenance costs and the cost of repairs after a tenant vacates. What programs are available that help our Military Men and Women lease their homes to competent tenants who will not take advantage of the fact that many of our Soldiers are several states away and there is often no one to take care of quarterly inspections of the home while the tenant is residing in the home? In my own case, our Family experienced a tragedy because there are no housing programs in place for those who have to rent in a rural community miles away from any Military Installation. Had there been a housing program in place that provided a home inspection prior to our acceptance of a lease, we probably wouldn’t have lost our two daughters to a house fire which was determined to have started because of faulty wiring in the home.  I now have a better knowledge of substandard living, and believe it or not, there are several Soldiers who just are not aware of what to look for when they rent a home. They are not aware of the local tenant laws that govern homeowners/landlords so they cannot hold them accountable for maintenance that the homeowner should be responsible for. There is no brief made available for the Soldier or their family on what to look for in a lease contract that a homeowner should be responsible for, however the homeowner or their Agent will write it into the lease agreement that the tenant is responsible and the tenant agrees not knowing that it shouldn’t be as written. We’re not lawyers, we’re not lawmakers, we only know what information is given to us and when we’re left to our own devices more often than not we make the wrong decision, not because we’re careless, but instead because we’re not informed.

So, Mr. President. 

I challenge you, not to make this an agenda for re-election, but instead to make this a priority for the Safety, Sanity and Security of our Military Men and Women and their Families. Concentrate not on programs that aren’t broke and don’t need repair, but instead on those programs that need immediate repair like the ones I’ve mentioned here.

Sincerely.

Julie D. Powers

Army Wife

Army Recruiting BN New England

Kittery, ME

NEW COUNTRY... MAINE

Ok. So maybe it's not really a new country... but sure does feel like it! WOW we're so far north!

We moved from Cali back in September and drove cross country with our 2 boys and 2 dogs and hauling my husband's car. We stopped in Texas to see my family. It was a wonderful visit and I just pray that my grandmother can hang on a bit longer so we can see her again. Then we continued our trek to the East Coast to stop in North Carolina to see Jason's family. Funny how we always stay a little longer to see his family than mine. OH WELL! After our 3 day visit with them we headed on up the east coast on I 95 and I don't remember much of it because I slept a long time so that I would be prepared to drive if I was needed. We eventually ended up in Maine! We actually stayed in Portsmouth , New Hampshire. just over the border from where Jason would be stationed. Once we had arrived it rained a ton! I thought to myself.. OH NO HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE RAIN! I hate rain! I guess if I took the opportunity to just dance in the rain I might enjoy it, but I don't so I never have liked the rain... one reason we left Kentucky in a hurry!

It took us almost an entire month to find a house to live in! Okay... 2 weeks, so I exaggerated a bit, but 2 weeks in a hotel room with 2 kids and 2 dogs and a BIG KID! I was really truly believing that it was more like 1 entire month! We even stayed in 2 different hotels and made friends at the second hotel! We did stay in nice hotels tho. The 1st was Residence Marriott and the second was Hilton's Homewood Suites.

The house... yes.. although nice in appearance... it's slowly falling apart. The landlords are over the heads in this house, have tried to sell it, but I believe they are deluded to think they could sell it at what they are asking for... and as a real estate professional I would have personally let them know they needed to lower their asking price or accept the best offer they could get!

When we moved in, the sink was literally falling, the person who installed the cabinets and the granite counter top forgot to anchor the sink into the cabinets before installing the countertop. The sink is an under-mount stainless steel sink... Stainless Steele doesn't mean with weight it can't bend! The sink had to be propped up with 2x4's before Thanksgiving! Then the installers decided to actually send someone out to take a look at it. The guy came in, he looked at it, and started getting some stuff out of his truck. I asked him when he came in if maybe his company forgot about something important like anchors and he said, "yeah. Looks like it." Then he commenced to telling me that they wedged it thinking that it would hold, something they do quiet a bit... I frowned at him and then told him that if they are doing that quiet a bit, they are going to go back and lose money repairing their errors. I worked with new construction and wedging ( or putting a small wood piece that wedges between the sink and the frame ) was only supposed to be a temporary fix or something in addition to the anchors for extra support not as a permanent stabilizer. OH WELL!

The sink... that wasn't just it! The water heater is leaking but the property manager says it's no emergency... but the water heater is fueled by the oil heat, and when you lose heat and there's no insulation around the tank, your heating bill goes sky high because you're having to use more oil to heat the water. I think we have to look into what we can do temporarily to keep the tank insulated. That's a conversation with an expert! I have no idea about oil heat! I only know about propane and I don't know much there either!

We also had a leak in the laundry room with the landlord's washer. That was fixed and the repair guy said the washer wasn't worth repairing so we put it in the basement. Then the property manager says that we're responsible for the washer if anything happens with it, and we said NO, if it's broke and the landlord doesn't want to pay to remove it, then we're not responsible for it because it's not being used by us! OH THAT IS STILL AN ONGOING BATTLE! Then there's another issue and it's not sooo small either!

THE BASEMENT... so we go to a holiday block party and we meet the neighbors and they tell us stories about the neighborhood and the previous tenants and the landlord and what great people have always lived in the house... and then they tell us about the basement. We already knew that there was some leaking into the basement through some cracks in the walls, but then the truth came out. The winters... when it snows and it snows alot... the basement can hold up to 3 or more inches of water! It's an entirely WET basement. The landlord paid a company to come out and dig a trench around the exterior of the house to help with the leaking, but when the owner came in and took a look at the basement, he said that the large crack on the floor of the basement will allow water and that with the water line along the base of the walls it looks to have had at least 6 inches in the basement but that could have easily been when they had flooding here since the house was built in a 100 yr flood zone and it's right next to a wet marsh. The house will continue to sink and the basement will continue to hold water... so tell me something... if the basement holds water and it's every year and it's not really useable because of that fact... how can anyone claim the basement as usable space? I don't know, but this is probably why no one wants to buy this house! I wouldn't, and especially after I know a home inspector would tear this place apart and I could back out of a offer contract with his report! Knowing this house is in a flood zone... that's a deterrent to begin with!

So... all in all, we're paying an extreme amount of money to heat this house because OIL is $3.95 a gallon and the tank is 300 gallons and we fill it at half full... so 150 gals at $3.95... you figure it out! My last bill was over $500. The very first bill was $600+. We decided to go with portable electric heaters... but guess what... when the power goes out we'll be SOL! I hear it get's below zero around here in normal winter weather, we've been lucky...we're in mid January and the only real snow we had was back during halloween. Then the Friday before Christmas we had a small snow that melted by midday and then today we're having a mild snow as well. Temperatures are expected to rise to 45* by this afternoon. So... winter... well it will either be a bad one in the next few months or it will snow in July!

Well, my 3 yr old is asking me to get off the computer now so that he can use it!

TATA FOR NOW!

REALLY OUT OF TOUCH!

Okay... so I went to work and completely forgot about my blog... just had no time.. I don't know how bloggers do it!

So, a year ago I went to work for San Diego Army Recruiting as their Admin. I worked with so many wonderful Soldiers... men and women alike. They are a great group of people and I can only hope that our paths cross again some time in the future!

Now, flash forward... We are living in New Hampshire. New England! Wow... yes, Jason's ARMY has taken us to yet another adventure and I am going to promise myself to do as I preach and enjoy this duty station! It's beautiful...what is there not to enjoy! I hope that I can save up some cash and get me an incredible camera... as my digital point an shoot Fuji Finepix just caput on me! I want to get out and take photos and love the area we are surrounded by. We're just that close to Maine! Wonderful opportunity to be the artist I know I am... and find her again.

Grant is in kindergarten and he likes it. It's not necessarily the school I wanted him in...but we'll keep working together to keep him ahead of his class. He's bored.. he says that he enjoys recess mostly because he already knows the stuff they are teaching him... I just wish that the teachers would hear me and challenge him more. Maybe we will have to put him in private school to get that challenge! We will see.

So Gavin stays home with me right now... we're enjoying the time together, however with Grant in school Gavin is pretty bored. No fighting with mommy. Once I can get back to work I can put him in school and we'll be good. I think I will have to put him into the private school first so that Grant will see that it's a better school and will want to move. Oh well, we'll figure it out!

Okay... I have things to do, I can get stuck on the computer and Gavin get's sooo mad!

Thanks for tuning in... if you truly are tuning in! I promise Photos, and scrapbooking stuff, and all sorts of sharing... I promise! HA! Like that will happen... the promise at least.. I PROMISE TO TRY!

Julz

Poetry

It's been a while again. I've neglected my blog! Shame on me, what have I been doing that's so much more important.... let's see....

1) I start a new job on 12 July
2) I have a ton of things to do here at the house that I am dreading but the kids are in daycare so I have no reason not to get them done~
3) I have a new friend that has lost a baby and she's in need of help, so I went to see her and her husband the other day. They are a great couple, they have another baby at home which will be a constant reminder to them of the sister /child they lost~ I can only be there to support her
4) I have soo many cards I want to make to get through the year so I'm not late sending them!!
5) I have to come up with my "written plan" on the program I would like the Army to initiate.
6) I still do all of my volunteering with the Army and our FRG (Family Readiness Group)

There's just so much I want to do and so much I start that I need to finish, and then there's the crap I don't even want to think about. So, I decided that today I would post my poetry. The ones I wrote for my girls. The pain that was in my heart that I had to put on paper to ease my frustrations. This is where I will post them, some of you may have already seen them, but here they are again, on my blog, to remind me of the pain I buried deep. It's still there, just not where anyone can see it, but everyonce in a while it let's me know it's still there.


A Mother's Pain
Julie D Powers

My tears drip like rain falling from heaven.
My heart breaks like glass.
My soul drowns in the waves of the ocean.

My life is over like the past.

My children, gone from me forever.
My body feels the pain.

As I stare out of the window, the man speaks upon deaf ears.
As I hide inside the dark of my dreams, I fear...
No one will follow.

They find me and pick me up from the depths of my depression.
Death, not a stranger just the same.
My children, who once were so happy, and now, I speak to them in GOD's name.

My prayers, will go unanswered...
That's what they call a Mother's Pain.

_________________________________
I love my boys
My girls they do remind me

When they're bad;
or when they're sad
My girls they do remind me

My temper I must control
My voice I must stow
My girls they do remind me

I will raise my boys
I will praise my boys
you see...

My girls they are in heaven
My oldest before she was seven
My youngest about to be five
Now no longer alive

So you see...

I love my boys~

My girls they do remind me!

_________________________________

MOTHER's WISH

My dreams bring you near
Then daylight brings a tear
My babies can you hear me
The two of you I wish I could see
The day GOD called you home
That day my life went cold
What I would do to have you here to hold
My girls, My life, My wish
You could be here with me at home.

__________________________________

GOD's HANDS CARRY ME

GOD's hands carry me through life's MAIZE of misery

You lay your heads on heaven's pillow
You play all day in fields of daisy's
You laugh and sing under the willow
While I feel I am going crazy

I have no voices to listen to
I have your pictures to imagine
I feel your presence surround me
I know we'll meet again,
I know we'll meet again.

GOD's hands carry me
My memory get's me through
My mind won't play tricks on me
Your words they will ring true

Someday we'll meet again,
Someday, will get me through.

__________________________________

NOT A DAY TOO SOON

We see you from where we sit
High above the big blue sky
We send you a dove
To wipe away the tear in your eye
Mother...
Please don't cry for us
For we are safe and warm
We play in the fields of green and dance in the flower gardens
Play and Dance with us.
Sing to us like you used to do
We save you a space,
A place,
In GOD's Kingdom
Mother...
Don't cry for us
For we cry for you and Daddy too
One Day you'll be with us
We'll meet again one day,
someday,
But not a day too soon.

____________________________________

Most of those poems were written before 2008. I posted them to a poetry website, which I couldn't find online any longer, so it's a good thing I thought to keep these! I don't create my poetry much any more, every once in a while I may feel the need to jot a few words down, but lately I find it necessary to express my passions in this blog, rather than in rhyme. We each grieve in our own way, some of us bottle it up and never let it go and allow it to consume us. Then there are other's who take from their experience and become passionate about it and want to SAVE THE WORLD and keep their painful experience from happening to anyone else, and then there's those like me, we write about it. We hope that it get's read and recognized as a message and that the person reading it does something proactive with the information that they are given, but we don't want to PUSH our message on anyone. I'm not a bible thumper, I'm not very religious at all, but you would think from my poetry that I do have some kind of faith in GOD. I do, I believe in my spirituality. I have faith that there is a "kingdom" where my children are waiting for me. They are watching over me and making sure that I am taken care of while on this HELL HOLE called EARTH. While I struggle through the economy, through watching the war drag on and no end in sight, and the politicians promising one thing after another! While I worry that my boys will choose a life like their father, grandfathers, great grandfathers and on... to serve proudly for their country, which I will not condemn but instead will support them for the choices they make. That's my job as their mother. I can't always protect them, and I think I've proven that with my girls. They were with me, 6 and 4, and they were at home and died while we all slept, so how could I have protected them? With the knowledge I had back then? They have given me education, they have given me a second life with a new family and they have given me the tools to teach my friends and family how to protect their loved ones.

Is there a GOD? Not for me to tell you, not for you to tell me. When I die and when my soul leaves my body, if there is an afterlife, if there is a GOD, I will know then. I will not have any way to come back and tell you, because I will not want to come back!!! So, believe what you believe, but do not FORCE FEED what you believe to someone else who has their own belief. They may be of a different religion, or maybe something tragic happened to them and now they have a difference of opinion! Religion is what we make of it, how we chose to translate it, it's a CHOICE, so be respectful of other people's space and their right to CHOOSE. Remember that judgement day doesn't fall upon our shoulders, but instead upon the Almighty who CHOOSES to judge us for the life we lead, and if he asks us then if we shall CHOOSE to believe in him, "we shall have ever lasting life". Isn't that what it translates in the written word? Some man said that GOD said.

I know that Religion is a touchy subject and there are a ton of believers out there, I have my faith, but do not condemn me because I do not feel the same as you, or find it necessary to judge my neighbor for the way they feel about religion. Go about your day, remember your beliefs, and be one with your faith. Treat your friends as your friends, your neighbors as though they should be your friends and your family as though they are your partners for life.

Sariena and Annie I love you more today than yesterday!
I miss you deeply!

Back in the mainstream

Today I decided that I needed to get back on track with blogging. I took a few days off for some reason??? I had a friend come visit, Jason and I were celebrating Memorial Day Weekend with family (mine) GOD BLESS OUR MILITARY MEN & WOMEN~ and also those family members that support them daily in their lives! The sacrifices we make behind the scenes!

So. I am making strides to a new beginning. I want to do so many things and be in so many places at once and it's all to do in memoriam of my girls! They sacrificed their lives for us to learn the hard way that we have no systems in place and now it's my opportunity to make it right! I finally have bent enough ears that I have one person who has listened and given me an avenue in which to express my concern and my passion to get the news out!!! WE NEED EDUCATIONAL SYSTEMS IN PLACE TO PREVENT TRAGEDIES HERE AT HOME!

I need to outline my program. I need to sit down and figure out a "BAIT SYSTEM" and then draw out a detailed outline on how to operate the program. I have thought about this now for 9 years. Now is my chance and I have no clue as to how to put it on paper! I never have!! That's been my problem. I can tell you all day long what I want, but how do I know what it will take to get the program started or how it would be funded? I have no clue how that works. I want to sit down and work with someone who does know how that works and draw up this plan. I know WHY we need it, I know HOW we could use it, and I know WHO could use it and I know WHERE we could use it.... but I don't know how to present it on paper or in a presentation to the "HIGH PRIESTS" (Upper Leadership).

Okay. Well, I am in Washington State doing some training for volunteer programs with the Army right now and it's about time for dinner. So if I have time tonight before I retire for the night I will write down more thoughts...but if not we'll meet again tomorrow!

PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL TONIGHT!

I love you my baby girls! I miss you more today than yesterday!