January 2013

We made it. It's now 2013 and the belief of the end of all time has passed. If you really understood the Mayans they were predicting the end of the world as we knew it and the beginning of a new one. I want to interpret that the way I see it...

May it be great, good or bad, we have to live in it. So, let's be positive and look for a great existence and do what we can as humans and strive for the best and teach each other to be our best.

A young woman told me the other day that I should really keep up with my blog, that I should share more about my experiences and let the world know how I heal and then maybe someone who needs the help can learn from me. So, here goes....

I met a young woman and she reminds me soo much of me. She has had a hard life and as hard as it is she's still trying to figure things out.  I didn't do drugs or have parents who didn't care where I was at all hours. If anything I felt my parents were too much into my business and that they were intrusive. I was always mad and trying to "get away". Looking for a way to piss them off any way I could. Rebellion... the word most youngsters should really understand. So this young woman, she fills my head with all her life stories and I think to myself, she has to  be joking. Because of her confidence in me I won't reveal her secrets. They are between us. Then I looked back on my life and I came to realize that I had someone in my life to help direct me. To give me advice about being a single mother. Someone who took  me under her wing and helped me to understand that I can be angry, and I can be tired and I can still be a mother to my girls. Then my girls died. I was alone again. Or so I thought. I had found a new friend. She helped me understand my pain. She walked with me when I needed someone to lean on. Someone to cry with and I needed her in my life. These two women, although older than I was, touched me and taught me. They gave me direction and gave me hope. We learned together our own little problems and shared in each other's pain.

My first friend in Colorado.. I was so young. I had two baby girls and I still wanted to party and be young and forget that I had responsibilities. I didn't want to forget my girls, I just didn't want to have to play mom 100 percent of the time. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted a mans touch. I found it. Everywhere other than where I needed to be. I learned from my friend that my life could be much different than it was. She taught me that the love I was looking for could only be found in my girls. She taught me that they should come first and that everything else would fall into place. She taught me that I could still have fun with out going out to party all night. When I did as she said I learned that I could still be an adult and still have fun and still have my girls and take care of them. She taught me to laugh at my problems and gain the strength I needed to battle my issues and win. She was my Terminator and I was her pupil. Then I remarried and he took me away from our little town and showed me more adventures that lie ahead. Little did I know that I would be leaving my life behind when I followed him.

A little more than a year went by and we had our struggles. My girls had a father who took care of them. They learned to trust him and he learned to understand them. Then one tragic night we lost them. My life turned upside down and inside out. I had convinced myself that I could not let my girls see me crawl in a hole and never come out. Although that is exactly how I felt. I didn't have friends. I had just moved to the last home my girls knew. We had just moved into our rental home not 1 month before and now they are gone. What had I done? Why was I being punished? What did I say that caused my baby girls to no longer be mine?

In comes my friend in Effingham, IL. I had just started back to work after losing my girls and everyone had come to their funeral. The chatting had died down and the whispers decreased. Then there was this woman, crying in the bathroom. I had hardly known who she was. She worked in a different department but sat right on the other side of my cubical. I knew her name. It was hard to forget. People would call me looking for her and vice versa. I knocked on that bathroom door and asked if there was anything I could do to help. Little did I know that she would be the next chapter in my life to teach me something new. I took from our friendship a new love. GOD. Where I was so ready to throw in the towel and hate him forever. Give up on my faith. She taught me to hold on, even tighter now, to my faith. She helped me to see him in a new light. She gave me a new shoulder to lean on. We sat in movies and I ended up in her lap more than I can count! Those scary movies she loved to see. Then again Jason had to go where the Army needed him. Actually, I made us move. I told Jason that either he asked for the Compassionate Reassignment to his home state of North Carolina so that his parents could help him, or we would be no more. So, we moved.

I have had many more friends in every state I have been in and in the many, many years that I have lived. Those friends have all taught me lessons and I have learned so much and they have carved a part of themselves into my life. I Thank GOD for all of them. For I have become the woman I am with their help and their love. So I tell you this story, because thinking back made me realize that I have come full circle. It is now my turn to help a young woman who  needs my life lessons to support her on her journey.

It's my turn to give the faith and the strength and the love that my friends have given me. I don't have to be a Godmother, I don't want to be a saint, I only want her to follow the life path that is set in front of her and to not have to relive tragedy but to understand faith and success. I want her to understand that we create our own destiny. We have to strive for the best in our lives. We surround ourselves with people we want in our future to shape our lives the way we envision it. This young woman needs the direction and the encouragement that my friends so lovingly gave me in my time of need. The right thing for me to do is pass on their generosity.

She fears I will leave again, and I will. But as I have done in my past I will continue to keep in touch and do my best to be her friend. She will see as I did that she won't need me as much as she thinks she does now, because she will take what she's learned from me and she will one day pass it on to someone who will need her too.

So now I take this opportunity to tell my two very best friends that I love them and I haven't said it, but THANK YOU. For everything you have done for me and continue to do for me. Blessed are they that love unconditionally.