Wednesday, May 19, 2010

And Every Day Since

My life has been a general one. Taking it one step at a time. Working put my mind into another world so I didn't have to concentrate on the trauma I had just been through. Although I did have so many people at work from every state that we managed dental offices in that poured in cards of sentiments and condolences, I knew I had support. I knew I had people who knew me only by name but knew they didn't ever want to be in my shoes. I had people at the office tell me that they couldn't imagine what I was going through but they wanted me to know that if I needed them they were there for me, and they were. They were all an awesome support system for me. They encouraged me every day to continue to get up in the morning and come to work and look forward to a new day. For 2 years, almost, we were able to keep going in the same area where we lost our girls. Not the same town, the town just north of it. We bought our 1st house, we were a little leery of renting again, so this was an investment on us on our future.

I had so many great friends. I had a great life. I wouldn't have changed anything if I didn't have to. We had our basket parties, pampered chef parties, we even had our after work get togethers at the local pub. I couldn't have been happier. Even though I still had my nightmares and my couple of hours where I just couldn't help but cry because something reminded me of the girls, or a song came on the radio and I had tears rolling down my face, I was happy. However....

There was someone else in my marriage who wasn't and he was struggling. I don't know if it was his job, if it was that I wasn't showing him enough support, or if he was just the type of person who couldn't get through depression like I could on my own with minimal supervision and just being with my friends. Jason had friends. He had Jason Meyer, his new found bud, someone to go hunting with, someone who showed the same interests, someone who he could talk to. They were the same age, well Jason M is my age, so no big difference in age. I figured that my Jason had more friends, but when it came down to it. He really consumed his life, as he still does, with the Army. He has no time for friends and he doesn't make time for them. He works all day and then he comes home, watches TV, and sleeps. During that time, the guys in the office, Sgt. Black and Sgt. Atkinson, would call me and ask me if I had heard from Jason and if I knew where he might be because they had no idea where he disappeared to. I would call home and Jason would be there sleeping or I would drive to the house and he would be there. His depression really took a toll on our marriage and I couldn't understand what was happening to him. Why was he so depressed. They weren't his kids. They were his step kids and he only knew them for close to two years. So, why was he so depressed? I was dumb founded? I was their mother and I was handling things well and my own mother was pissed at me for not being more depressed and crawling into a corner like Jason was. Why was I being so strong?

We actually had a lawyer accuse me of killing my kids, and at that point I think that's when I went into "let's play ball" mode. NO ONE was going to accuse me of killing my children and get away with it. NO ONE! They were my life. My everything! Anyone who ever met my children and me know and knew how much I love my children. I told that Lawyer that his opinion was definitely his own, it was wrong, and whoever gave him the idea that I could ever hurt my girls was trying to redirect his opinion of me, his client, and if that was the case, not a problem, he wasn't going to be my lawyer any longer. I couldn't believe it!! I did find a wonderful Attorney after that, who knew what he was doing, he was in another state, he did specialize in fire cases. Fred H. Pritzker - Personal Injury - Minneapolis, MN. He handled the case himself and he's Partner/Owner of the firm. He handled us with kid gloves and he knew which direction to go in, and he kept us in the loop every step of the way.

Back to Jason....
His depression was getting to me. I couldn't get him to do what the doctors were telling him, I couldn't get him to leave the house. Jason M. was so busy with his work, being a mortician is not just a full time job it's a life, and he did what he could when he could. So, I called in reinforcements. CSM Powers, Ret. I tried to get Jason's father to help me kick some sense into him. That didn't work. It made things worse between Jason and his father. Jason wouldn't speak to him until I explained to Jason that it was on my request that his father speak to him. Then I had to throw in the towel. I asked Jason if going to North Carolina would help him? If being close to his family would make him better? We agreed to the move and Jason asked the Army for a Compassionate Reassignment to North Carolina where his family was. I knew I would acclimate to where ever it was that I moved to, as long as I had my girls. I had them, in my heart and in my mind.

Our next chapter...

Our move to NC.
At first it was hard on me. Jason had gone back to Illinois to clear things up with the house because it was for sale, and we lost our butts on that one. Lesson learned!! I stayed in NC with his Dad and step mom Kaye. They were nice and didn't ask for much. I did dishes, and helped with the horses outside, trying to pull my weight for the room and board. I also drove North to the Triad area to look for a house to rent, and I was very leery and told Jason that we weren't going to go cheap just to save money. I wanted to know we were safe. Jason's sister came up from Wilmington and went with me once and it was nice to just drive around and look. However, I was in a new place, without him, with his family, who I hardly knew and I just wanted to be back in Illinois with my friends and my job that I loved.

Jason made it back to NC. We found a house in High Point, NC and we settled in. I couldn't find a job in my background field for anything. I had been working in Dentistry since I was 19. The Dentists in HP didn't want to pay the amount of money I might be worth. I was over experienced, I just didn't have any luck at all. I even went to work for free for a talent agency looking for Models as a talent scout....talk about "RIP OFF" !!! Then I went to work for LifeTouch Church Directories. I worked for them for a year, traveling, photographing families for their Church Directories, selling portraits....it was great but it was unrewarding. You break your back and you earn all the kudos from the company, but you have no respect within your team because you can't get respect from your direct supervisor because she's money hungry and wants to hoard money and you can't get your supplies...I got pissed off and quit!

That's when I found Real Estate. Oh and my life changed! My girls made my life change! I prayed and prayed for them to help me, to pull some strings and send me a sign. My father was looking for some rental property because he just sold a house in Corpus Christi and he needed to transfer the money to avoid Capital Gains on the investment return. So, I worked with his Agent, which by the way was the Agent who helped us with our house..(We bought a beautiful house in the country...my home that I miss so very much)...I gave her the referral! I told my Dad how much work I actually did looking for the properties and how much work she did just showing up to let me in. (All the paperwork and stuff I found out about later). He and my mom agreed that I should go into Real Estate myself and the deal was that they would pay for my schooling and I had to stick with it. Oh and I did and I loved it! I couldn't believe that my girls had pulled it off. They were able to pull some big strings! I LOVE THEM!

I would study at home in the living room and be right next to the fireplace and start to smell smoke and then I would jump up and start running all over the house searching for the fire. There wasn't one burning in the fireplace so there had to be one inside or outside, and when I couldn't find the fire after running around the perimeter of the house, I would stand there and say to my girls, I'm sorry! I wasted all that time and I should have known it was you. After all this time I should have known it was you. Then I would sit on the stairs and cry and Thank them for all they had done for me. I still have those moments, but I'm getting better at not running around the house looking for the fire. I just run to the stove to make sure it's not been left on and then I sit and talk to my girls. I don't even waste time looking for a chair. I just plop down on the ground and say Hi and Thank you and I love you and I miss you and I wish you two were here. Call me crazy, but it's my therapy. I know my girls are around. I know they are here when I need them most. I know they have friends in very high places! They have made so many things happen for me since Day 1. It's hard not to believe in an afterlife.

Let's see what I can tell you my girls have made happen for me:

1) My marriage - we've continued to stay married even through the hard times
2) My career in Real Estate
3) My Boys - Grant was born 2 days and 5 yrs before the girls Double D Day Anniversary. 17 Aug 2006, Then Gavin came 20 months later in March. The girls were exactly 20 months apart also.
4) Moving close to my parents so they can enjoy the boys and out of KY!

I'm not going to ask for anything else but for them to be the ones to come for me when it's my time to join them in heaven. I want to see their smiling faces the day GOD calls me home.

Every day is a new day and I continue to take one step in front of the other. All I want to do is to help other grieving parents get through the same emotional distress and find healing in knowing that it may always be painful to lose a child but one day you'll be able to live your life with the pain and not let it consume you.

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