1,2,3 Always one foot in front of me

Today I receieved a phone call. It was a telephone interview for an application I placed to volunteer as a part of an Army Care Team for the Brigade we belong to. This team, even though volunteers, are being chosen because the Army wants to know that they are sending out skilled and caring people to help care for the immediate families of Soldiers who've been killed or a family member who has passed. Back in 2001 they didn't have teams like this. IT was pretty much the Soldier and his/her family were left alone or if they had a good CLT their CLT saw to it that they were taken care of by another peer and their family. (CLT= Command Leadership Team) I could be wrong but it makes sense. Anyway. I applied. I wanted to be able to be of some kind of support to other Recruiters and their families in their time of need. When tragedy happens your brain isn't always "ON" and there are things that everyone wants from you. The Care Team would be there to help you sort these things out on the military level until your family arrive to take over and assist the Soldier or the spouse further. The Care Team would be there to asses what your needs are and help you to get them accomplished. If you have young ones, to help give you a minute while you get your bearings before you try to understand your childs needs (which can be demanding in a traumatic situation). I feel that I would be a perfect person, who've been through the same situations and needs, that I could be of great assistance to the Soldier and their family if they were to ask for the help.

My ulitmate goal has always been to start a program to PREVENT Recruiters in remote locations from ever having to deal with situations like what Jason and I went through losing the girls. I want to teach Recruiters that they have rights known as TENANTS RIGHTS in every state that protect them from signing leases with landlords who refuse to take care of maintenance issues prior to entering the residence. I want Recruiters and their spouses to know that they can request the local fire departments to come out and do a basic inspection for fire hazards in a home prior to accepting a contract on any home for rent in any state. If the Fire Department is not suited for those types of basic fire hazard inspections, you can always hire a home inspector and negotiate the terms into the rental contract. It's not a common practice, but it can be done. Once it becomes common practice, then we will start to see more and more Landlords taking care of their properties because they will be held to a standard, and then less and less accidental deaths from fire related tragedies. Of course...it's a dream, but some dreams do come true and I am hoping that I am taking but one more step in the right direction in making my dream a reality.

I not only want to start this program for Prevention in the Army or Military wide, but I also want to start working with builders, since I am a Real Estate Broker, and challenging Residential Builders / Commercial Builders of Residential Properties to begin building homes with Fire Escape ladders installed. Window Box Escape ladders in second story bedrooms that not only adults can access but children can manipulate as well. For $100 a Builder can install a drop ladder on the inside of a window and save the life of a child who's life can't be measured monetarily. I want Builder's to start incorporating fire extinguishers in the kitchen where grease fires are the worst fire to put out conventionally, most uneducated people try to put them out with water and that only causes the fire to spread rapidly, not everyone knows to use baking soda, flour, or cover the grease fire with a lid to keep oxygen from it. Fire Extinguishers already in the home are the safest and easy to use and if they are already in the kitchen would solve most of our kitchen/house fire problems. We're already thinking "GREEN" when we build homes and thinking green is alot more expensive. If I could get just one builder to see that thinking "SAFE" would sell, it would be worth every penny spent and every penny earned. I just can't get any Builder to see it how I have, because they haven't been in a burning home where they couldn't get out or get their kids out. So, if you read this and you know a Builder who would be interested, or you are a Builder who is interested. Let's work together to make this happen. I just want it to be a reality in future homes built for future families.

So, this was my day today. Another step in front of the next and my ideas are coming to fruition and starting to become my reality. I always have to keep one foot in front of me so I don't fall forward because I am moving so fast some days. GOD BLESS MY GIRLS FOR CONTINUING TO HELP SEE ME THROUGH!

And Every Day Since

My life has been a general one. Taking it one step at a time. Working put my mind into another world so I didn't have to concentrate on the trauma I had just been through. Although I did have so many people at work from every state that we managed dental offices in that poured in cards of sentiments and condolences, I knew I had support. I knew I had people who knew me only by name but knew they didn't ever want to be in my shoes. I had people at the office tell me that they couldn't imagine what I was going through but they wanted me to know that if I needed them they were there for me, and they were. They were all an awesome support system for me. They encouraged me every day to continue to get up in the morning and come to work and look forward to a new day. For 2 years, almost, we were able to keep going in the same area where we lost our girls. Not the same town, the town just north of it. We bought our 1st house, we were a little leery of renting again, so this was an investment on us on our future.

I had so many great friends. I had a great life. I wouldn't have changed anything if I didn't have to. We had our basket parties, pampered chef parties, we even had our after work get togethers at the local pub. I couldn't have been happier. Even though I still had my nightmares and my couple of hours where I just couldn't help but cry because something reminded me of the girls, or a song came on the radio and I had tears rolling down my face, I was happy. However....

There was someone else in my marriage who wasn't and he was struggling. I don't know if it was his job, if it was that I wasn't showing him enough support, or if he was just the type of person who couldn't get through depression like I could on my own with minimal supervision and just being with my friends. Jason had friends. He had Jason Meyer, his new found bud, someone to go hunting with, someone who showed the same interests, someone who he could talk to. They were the same age, well Jason M is my age, so no big difference in age. I figured that my Jason had more friends, but when it came down to it. He really consumed his life, as he still does, with the Army. He has no time for friends and he doesn't make time for them. He works all day and then he comes home, watches TV, and sleeps. During that time, the guys in the office, Sgt. Black and Sgt. Atkinson, would call me and ask me if I had heard from Jason and if I knew where he might be because they had no idea where he disappeared to. I would call home and Jason would be there sleeping or I would drive to the house and he would be there. His depression really took a toll on our marriage and I couldn't understand what was happening to him. Why was he so depressed. They weren't his kids. They were his step kids and he only knew them for close to two years. So, why was he so depressed? I was dumb founded? I was their mother and I was handling things well and my own mother was pissed at me for not being more depressed and crawling into a corner like Jason was. Why was I being so strong?

We actually had a lawyer accuse me of killing my kids, and at that point I think that's when I went into "let's play ball" mode. NO ONE was going to accuse me of killing my children and get away with it. NO ONE! They were my life. My everything! Anyone who ever met my children and me know and knew how much I love my children. I told that Lawyer that his opinion was definitely his own, it was wrong, and whoever gave him the idea that I could ever hurt my girls was trying to redirect his opinion of me, his client, and if that was the case, not a problem, he wasn't going to be my lawyer any longer. I couldn't believe it!! I did find a wonderful Attorney after that, who knew what he was doing, he was in another state, he did specialize in fire cases. Fred H. Pritzker - Personal Injury - Minneapolis, MN. He handled the case himself and he's Partner/Owner of the firm. He handled us with kid gloves and he knew which direction to go in, and he kept us in the loop every step of the way.

Back to Jason....
His depression was getting to me. I couldn't get him to do what the doctors were telling him, I couldn't get him to leave the house. Jason M. was so busy with his work, being a mortician is not just a full time job it's a life, and he did what he could when he could. So, I called in reinforcements. CSM Powers, Ret. I tried to get Jason's father to help me kick some sense into him. That didn't work. It made things worse between Jason and his father. Jason wouldn't speak to him until I explained to Jason that it was on my request that his father speak to him. Then I had to throw in the towel. I asked Jason if going to North Carolina would help him? If being close to his family would make him better? We agreed to the move and Jason asked the Army for a Compassionate Reassignment to North Carolina where his family was. I knew I would acclimate to where ever it was that I moved to, as long as I had my girls. I had them, in my heart and in my mind.

Our next chapter...

Our move to NC.
At first it was hard on me. Jason had gone back to Illinois to clear things up with the house because it was for sale, and we lost our butts on that one. Lesson learned!! I stayed in NC with his Dad and step mom Kaye. They were nice and didn't ask for much. I did dishes, and helped with the horses outside, trying to pull my weight for the room and board. I also drove North to the Triad area to look for a house to rent, and I was very leery and told Jason that we weren't going to go cheap just to save money. I wanted to know we were safe. Jason's sister came up from Wilmington and went with me once and it was nice to just drive around and look. However, I was in a new place, without him, with his family, who I hardly knew and I just wanted to be back in Illinois with my friends and my job that I loved.

Jason made it back to NC. We found a house in High Point, NC and we settled in. I couldn't find a job in my background field for anything. I had been working in Dentistry since I was 19. The Dentists in HP didn't want to pay the amount of money I might be worth. I was over experienced, I just didn't have any luck at all. I even went to work for free for a talent agency looking for Models as a talent scout....talk about "RIP OFF" !!! Then I went to work for LifeTouch Church Directories. I worked for them for a year, traveling, photographing families for their Church Directories, selling portraits....it was great but it was unrewarding. You break your back and you earn all the kudos from the company, but you have no respect within your team because you can't get respect from your direct supervisor because she's money hungry and wants to hoard money and you can't get your supplies...I got pissed off and quit!

That's when I found Real Estate. Oh and my life changed! My girls made my life change! I prayed and prayed for them to help me, to pull some strings and send me a sign. My father was looking for some rental property because he just sold a house in Corpus Christi and he needed to transfer the money to avoid Capital Gains on the investment return. So, I worked with his Agent, which by the way was the Agent who helped us with our house..(We bought a beautiful house in the country...my home that I miss so very much)...I gave her the referral! I told my Dad how much work I actually did looking for the properties and how much work she did just showing up to let me in. (All the paperwork and stuff I found out about later). He and my mom agreed that I should go into Real Estate myself and the deal was that they would pay for my schooling and I had to stick with it. Oh and I did and I loved it! I couldn't believe that my girls had pulled it off. They were able to pull some big strings! I LOVE THEM!

I would study at home in the living room and be right next to the fireplace and start to smell smoke and then I would jump up and start running all over the house searching for the fire. There wasn't one burning in the fireplace so there had to be one inside or outside, and when I couldn't find the fire after running around the perimeter of the house, I would stand there and say to my girls, I'm sorry! I wasted all that time and I should have known it was you. After all this time I should have known it was you. Then I would sit on the stairs and cry and Thank them for all they had done for me. I still have those moments, but I'm getting better at not running around the house looking for the fire. I just run to the stove to make sure it's not been left on and then I sit and talk to my girls. I don't even waste time looking for a chair. I just plop down on the ground and say Hi and Thank you and I love you and I miss you and I wish you two were here. Call me crazy, but it's my therapy. I know my girls are around. I know they are here when I need them most. I know they have friends in very high places! They have made so many things happen for me since Day 1. It's hard not to believe in an afterlife.

Let's see what I can tell you my girls have made happen for me:

1) My marriage - we've continued to stay married even through the hard times
2) My career in Real Estate
3) My Boys - Grant was born 2 days and 5 yrs before the girls Double D Day Anniversary. 17 Aug 2006, Then Gavin came 20 months later in March. The girls were exactly 20 months apart also.
4) Moving close to my parents so they can enjoy the boys and out of KY!

I'm not going to ask for anything else but for them to be the ones to come for me when it's my time to join them in heaven. I want to see their smiling faces the day GOD calls me home.

Every day is a new day and I continue to take one step in front of the other. All I want to do is to help other grieving parents get through the same emotional distress and find healing in knowing that it may always be painful to lose a child but one day you'll be able to live your life with the pain and not let it consume you.

Day 2

The memorial was surreal. I remember waking up, putting on my clothes, and getting on the bus. We arrived at the church, Jason's family had arranged a family luncheon so they were busy in the church kitchen making sure everything was ready for the services and afterward for family and close friends.

Jason Meyer...the young man, Deputy Coroner/Coroner in training, and funeral home director, had all arrangments coordinated. He did everything and we couldn't have been any more grateful to him. He is a life long friend to us and now a brother to my husband Jason.

We sat in the front pews reserved for family. I was surrounded by my family and Jason's and knew they were around us. The pastor stood and welcomed everyone and began the services. The girls photos were placed in front with beautiful flowers and their urns. The Army Chaplain said a few words and then they opened the comments to the floor. My father stood and spoke about challenging the Army to do something to help other Army families from being in a situation like ours and losing their children. To starting a program government wide to keep children safe from tragedy that can be prevented. My husband stood and thanked everyone for showing their support. My husband's cousin stood and said her piece/peace. I stood and turned and almost fainted! I saw standing room only. I saw poster boards for the girls wishing they were here from the kids at the day care. I saw a sea of Green Uniforms all over. The entire room was filled by US Army Recruiters from our Battalion who were showing their support. It was an overwhelming feeling and I thank them all for being there! It meant so much to me to see that a community spread so far apart could come together so quickly in the time of need of one of their own. They all knew the girls. Everyone there had met my girls at one point in time. The girls babysitters, their daycare (who also said a brief word about my babies and their loving hearts), the neighbors, and even our landlords kept a low profile but were there.

To know how much you mean to someone and how little you know while you're here on earth living your life,but to see it when you pass. If only my children knew how much they were loved, not only by us, by me, but by everyone's life they crossed. I hope they keep an eye on those who've they've touched so deeply and those people live their lives fully, safely, and with comfort knowing that they have 2 angels on their side.

Day 1

I remember day 1 like it was yesterday.

It was a Saturday in Illinois, rainy, thundering, lightening, you name it, the girls were playing inside and my husband was watching TV. I was in the kitchen, trying to wash dishes, my most dreaded chore. I don't know what exactly drew my attention to the window in front of me, but I looked up. The elementary school was just outside our door and as I looked straight at it, the electrical housing on the pole outside the school blew. It was like watching fireworks on the 4th of July. Sparks flew everywhere, not for very long, but it was quiet scary. I called my husband into the kitchen and he called the Utilities Company and reported it. They told them those units were being hit all over town and someone would be by to fix it when they could. The unit I am talking about, I don't necessarily know the name, but it looks like a canister on the top of an electrical pole and has wires coming from it. Anyway. That was just the beginning to my nightmare.

It was getting late and the power was out, the girls wanted to be sure to get in plenty of rest so that they could go to church in the morning. We had just started going to church as a family. We were a new family. Jason and I had just married in December of 1999 and he was in the Army. We had met in Colorado Springs, CO. The girls were born at Ft. Carson, where their father had been stationed and left us for his new life and family. Once Jason and I had married we picked up and moved to Illinois. He was a recruiter now, and being back in the military I knew we would be picking up and moving alot. Nothing I wasn't already used to, subjecting my children to it wouldn't be any different than what I grew up with as a military child. I have many friends from all over the world, different races, religions, interesting and successful people in their own lives. Maybe my children will grow up to be well rounded and learn about the different cultures like I have. Getting off track here, back to day 1. The girls were getting ready for bed and I went upstairs to help them and tuck them in. I had to apologize to Sariena, I had yelled at her earlier because we were trying to prepare her for 1st grade on Monday. Her 1st day of 1st grade was on Monday and it was such a big deal. She was going to the school across the street and she needed to know how to read, and she needed to be better at writing her ABC's. She needed to be better at her addition and I was being extremely hard on her. We had bought her some books to read over the summer, she was reading Green Eggs and Ham and she wasn't trying, she just wanted us to read and then she could memorize what we were saying and she would recite it back to us. I got angry and yelled at her. I didn't want her to go to bed thinking I was mad at her, so I made it a point to go upstairs to tell her I loved her and to let her know that I only wanted her to do better than I did in school and to work hard and get better grades than I did. She wanted to be a Pediatrician and help sick kids when she was a grown up. She would say it all the time. From the time she met her doc that put her cast on her arm that summer. I explained to her that she had to make good grades and go to college if she wanted to be a Kid Doctor. She understood and told me she would work harder. I kissed her good night and tucked her into bed. Sariena slept in the top bunk and Annie slept in the bottom bunk. As I bent down to kiss Annie she told me that she was scared. She didn't want to sleep in her room. She wanted to sleep with Jason and I in our bed. I don't know why I didn't let them. I don't know why I didn't automatically suggest it since it was such a storm and the power was out. Sariena piped up before I could answer Annie. She told her sister that they were big girls and they could sleep in their own beds and that it would be okay because they were together. What could I say after that. I looked at Annie and said "is that okay?" She said okay. I kissed her and tucked her in and went back downstairs.

Jason and I fell asleep on the couch waiting for the power to come back on. When we woke up the lights were on and so we got up, it was still storming outside, whatever was on we unplugged and turned off just in case the power went off again. The only thing I couldn't get to was the wall a/c in the girls room. It was so hot up there I really didn't want to leave them without air if the unit was running. The unit was not in great working condition, but it worked, and this wasn't our house, we were renting it. Another recruiter and his family had just moved out to St. Louis and we moved in. We helped them move to their new home too. It's not like they were bad landlords or didn't care for their home. They were awesome people. We got along so well. We discussed painting the inside of the house, because she had started and I told her I would finish for her. Anything that would improve the house they were good with and we could help them out with was great. I won't name their names because at this point now, we haven't spoken since the death of the girls. I've tried to contact them through "Facebook", but no response, so they just aren't ready. Funny, I'm the one who lost 2 children and they are the ones who aren't ready.

Back to day 1 again. I always had a habit of checking in on the girls. We had only been in the house a little over 1 month. We moved in on 1 July 2001 and it was 18 August 2001. So, I was still a little cautious about the girls as any mother would just get up and check in on their babies. At some point the power went out again and I couldn't see, so I lit a candle and walked upstairs. I placed the candle on a candle plate, anyone who sells partylite candles knows that you place candles on heat resistant plates for safety, so the heat doesn't burn whatever you put your candle on top of. I placed the candle on top of the dresser and walked over the girls bunk and saw that Annie had crawled up into her sisters bunk. The light had woken them up and I told them everything was okay and to go back to sleep. Annie tried to tell me she was scared so she came to sleep with Sariena and I told her it was okay. She would be okay. That was at 4 am 19 August 2001. That was also the last time I checked on my girls and kissed them good night.

Not too long after that I was awoken by banging on my door and windows and a man screaming. I thought someone was trying to break in. I jumped up trying to put on my clothes and heard "get out, fire" and when I stood up I was knocked right back down because of the smoke. It was so dense that I couldn't stand in it. I had to crawl trying to hold my shorts up around my waist, screaming for my girls to wake up and come to my voice. I made it to the stairs and I yelled at the top of my lungs when I wasn't choking on the smoke, the heat was already burning my face. I inched up the stairs crying for my girls to answer me when nothing was coming back to me, silence fell over me. I knew that there was no one in that black room, there weren't any children that would be walking out of that room to me. I slid down the stairs, looked my husband in the eyes and didn't say a word. I choked on the smoke as I left the house. I went to the neighbors house directly across the street and banged on their door for someone to help me. I turned and saw my house. I saw the flames increase with every gust of wind, or maybe there wasn't any wind, and it was just my imagination, but the flames were growing wilder and wilder and my life was escaping me. My girls weren't coming out to me and there was no one who could save them. The fire department was there in minutes. I had now moved my location to the side of the house in front of the school on the lawn. The Firemen approached me asking me was there anyone in the house. I told them my girls were and my husband was and he was trying to save them. They asked me where everyone was. I explained that my husband was probably on the stairs, and the girls were in their bed the last I saw them and they were both in one bed in the top bunk. When they got to the top of the stairs their room was directly to the right, when they entered the room they should go diagonally to the right the bed is in the far right corner. The bottom bunk is a separate bed that pulls away and the top bunk was stable. They met my husband inside and escorted him to where I was, then two men went inside and retrieved my babies bodies. By this time, the ambulance was there and they were attending to our wounds. I had minor burns on my knees and hands from crawling on the hot carpet, and some smoke inhalation. My husband had second and third degree burns to his legs, hands, face and ears from attempting to enter the girls room. While in the ambulance the doors open and two faces appear. A young guy and an older gentleman. One being the County Coroner and the other the Deputy Coroner or Coroner in training, I don't remember. All I remember is that the oldest one spoke and asked us about the girls. He also let us know that they didn't make it out alive. Jason became hysterical and started trying to jump out of the ambulance, and I pulled him back and told him to settle down, and I asked them if I could please see my children.

I walked out to the tree behind the house where they laid the girls bodies. They were hard as stone, black as soot, and the smell of smoke I will never be rid of for the rest of my life. I held them, caressed them, and cried over them. Then the coroner told me he had to remove them and asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him that I wanted them cremated. I couldn't have them like this. They took the girls bodies to the funeral home. "Buchanan's." Jason Meyer took wonderful care of my girls bodies. He didn't cremate them immediately. He waited for the family to show up. He figured I am sure that once they arrived they might try to change my mind on the cremation. We had called our family when we were placed back into the ambulance and driven to the hospital in Charleston, IL. My family flew in immediately from California, Japan, drove in from Texas. Jason's family flew in from North Carolina and Kansas. We had all the support we could need. We stayed with another recruiter until our family showed up and then we stayed in a hotel nearby. Sgt. Black and his family were great to help us in our time of need. Michelle his wife, and Sgt. Black's father. They housed us, fed us, shopped for us, and they supplied a bus for us to transport our family to the memorial. I don't think I ever really got to thank them properly!

The next few days were quiet a blur. My ex husband and his father and one of his brother's came to be with us. I did get to speak with him for a short while. He apologized for not being a good father to the girls, and I told him that I wasn't the one he needed to apologize to, and it was too late to apologize to the girls. He allowed his new life to get between himself and his blood, who cares if it got between he and I, we were not who mattered, it was his children who mattered and they were the ones who were deeply affected by his actions. They called Jason their "daddy" and him their "daddy roy", which one seemed more important? I don't speak to Roy and haven't since his wife made sure to tell me that she had their baby boy "roy jr" shortly after the girls deaths. Like that's really what I wanted to hear after just losing my girls. Who cares. I told her that "I felt that in order for her to FINALLY have one of his children I had to lose both of mine."

I haven't spoken to either since. Roy got his part of the insurance settlement $7000 and my lawyer did all the talking to him. To this day, I try to send cards to his mother letting her know that I still think about her and the family and that the girls are still a very living part of my life and I know they are of her life too. She doesn't respond anymore, but I know that she's okay.

I work with Fire Departments when I can, Whoever will work with me, I volunteer as a Fire and life Safety Speaker and talk to their communities about the tragedies like mine that can be avoided by taking some precautions in the home. I'll share those with you in upcoming posts. I'm feeling a bit drained now, sharing with you my day 1. If you have a comment or a story you'd like to share, please do. My ultimate sacrifice was losing my children and now I am turning that loss into a life for my children and our story can help save more lives, and help other grieving parents heal from the loss of their children.